Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
