I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
