Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
