her vagine was all disorganized.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
