My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
