There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
