The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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