Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just sent this text using only my big toe
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
