I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
