i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
