I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
