a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize