My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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