Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
