Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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