Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
