And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize