so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Randomize
