Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Did I show you my penis last night?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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