New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
