I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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