The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
