Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
