You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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