I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
