my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
