Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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