flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
