It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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