He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
