wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
