I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
