I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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