i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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