new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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