Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
