Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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