my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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