FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
