I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
im six kinds of drunk right now
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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