Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
