I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
