Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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