I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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