I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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