Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
