a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Ketchup is God's man juice
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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