hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Randomize
