Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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