if i can run in heels then i can drive
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
