Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
