My friends, they love my intelligence
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
