Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
