I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
