True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
