Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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