i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
