You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize