If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
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