Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize