i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
