I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
