how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
